Been a while..

It's been hard to write anything at all for a while. My thoughts abandon me mid-way. Even now I'm half-prepared to quit writing any moment because I can't seem to find anything even close to substantial to put down. All I seem to be following is a string of meaningless sentences one after another. It feels like I've lived years since the last time I remember sharing anything. It has actually been just over a month.

This hazy existence is probably a consequence of too much activity, random flow of events and a major turn this life has taken while I've been completely unprepared, although anticipating. I'm a full-time student again and I'm beginning to realize it's quite hard to take on that role after a year of 'nothing specific'. But I wouldn't trade the past year for anything. It has in many ways made me what I am at this moment, and I quite like what I see because it is something different. Of course I'm very far from having it together.I'm pretty messed up actually. But even being messed up is quite fine I say because this is eventually going to mean my rescue at yet another level, if you know what I mean.

Out of the year gone by the previous few weeks have been very significant for me at the 'heart' level. Firstly I've learned that the heart is indeed deceitful above all things (Jeremiah 17:9). Who can really know it? My heart has fooled me, not once but many times. I'm very concerned that "follow your heart" isn't the answer to everything.

"Jesus is the way", or so we've heard. But what does that mean for someone in love trying to decide whether to take the risk of making the feelings known? What would Jesus do, WWJD? That doesn't make sense either. Face the truth. You do not know what Jesus would do in your situation. In fact for the most part Jesus would never need to face the situation you've got yourself caught in. So what do we do then? Follow your heart? I'm not very sure. I guess this is probably why prayer is such a big deal and I vouch for it. Prayer is a very big deal indeed, more than we realize it. Which is why I need to spend more time praying instead of writing mindless entries in my blog. I think I will pray about this. Pray to God for a desire to pray more.

This reminds me, I've not been reading the Word much these days. This is also a big deal for me considering the amount I learn by reading. So I've prayed for a desire and hunger for the Word, like I used to have before. But this is nothing related to my post today. I just wanted to tell you guys.

Okay, now to the second lesson I've been learning. This has solely to do with me. I've realized that I have changed. Not necessarily a change due to some spiritual growth. Just change, remaining at the same level probably. This raises a question though. Is change possible without any growth? Hmm... something to think about. Anyway, so I've changed, and I know this because I've been doing things I never thought I would. I'm making choices I never would have made before. And that makes me wonder how it happened. It's like I'm a different person and I'm probably not quite comfortable with it. Probably. I think it's because I didn't mind how I used to be. I quite liked me. I was just okay then. God was working fine in me. But it got too boring perhaps. Yea, it's a little outrageous to think of God getting bored but who knows, maybe He just had to do something to shake me up. So I've changed and God's telling me it's a good thing. I'm not at my best but it's still a good thing, because God still works fine in me. Better, perhaps, although it doesn't seem so because I feel like I'm spiraling down into decadence. I guess I just have to trust Him, trust in His strength although everything in me points to weakness, trust that He'll pull me through when if by myself I would definitely fall. On my own I will fail, that is guaranteed. But I know I have a good chance of not failing, as long as I cling on to Him. Not just not failing, prospering even in all senses.

This makes me realize another thing. Everyone is probably doing pretty okay even if they don't seem to be. And that's because God is working in them like He is working in me, even if He doesn't seem to be. So I think we could save a lot of trouble just by giving each other the benefit of the doubt. And by trying to not be a savior to someone we're 'convicted' of as being in need of 'our' guidance. Just let the person breathe and stop acting a judge. Easy to say I know. I still need to operate in this area. Don't know how long will I take. Realization is easy, in a way, but the implementation is difficult. Very difficult. We have been wired such. We need God. No kidding.

Well, now I see I've done a pretty good job at expressing myself in this attempt. I can gladly push off now. Hope it makes sense : ).

(Picture Courtesy: Google Images)


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