Stop this test
I do not understand life. I do not understand why certain things happen. I think I've lost my depth. Where did yesterday go? I was fine like that. I had responsibilities, I have responsibilities. I dealt with them and I deal with them fine. But for this heart and all the complications it brings along. I wish I could do away with this part even if for a while. Then get it back in a year or two. I should be past this phase by then wouldn't I? But for now I am still here. No prayer takes it away. I am trying to get by but it only breaks my heart. How is it that it still beats while with every passing day it dies?
This is not something I was prepared for. This is something I overlooked in my naiveness probably thinking I was too strong to let it beat me. This is some kind of a joke on me and my pride. I am beaten. And I feel weak, so weak I hate it. My pride is dead, it is bleeding on the floor spilling all over. So why doesn't this end already? A question resounding but why hasn't it been heard? This is when it gets hard to trust God, it gets really hard. What of all I learned about a loving God, a trustworthy God? What of all my requests and pleadings? What of them? Don't give me answers if that is how it is, probably I wouldn't even understand them. Just take this pain away. Just stop this test.