The Mandatory Post a.k.a. No. 30
Hey, it's me. Procrastination has been my forte, as far as this blog goes. But something propels me to write finally. I am turning thirty. Anybody who pays attention may chance upon at least one blog post yearly, even if I never write anything else. But that is not a promise.
Like I was saying, I am turning thirty. My self-imposed custom to record life-observations every birthday may redeem my wayward word-ly ways. Here are 1-27, No. 28 and No. 29, by the way. I'm not certain if I can keep it as simple this time. But here's trying..
I had honestly been looking forward to turning thirty, believing it to be a major milestone and something resembling an achievement. Then one day it hit me that that also meant never being in my 20's ever again. Some people just process things differently, okay? 'Never' is the key word. When you isolate that word it seems quite terrible, and that is what I did in that precise moment of revelation. I have been attempting to live the last few days of my 20's well since then. I don't know if I am succeeding. And as of right now, I don't feel anything about turning thirty. I am not here to write about my feelings, anyway.
Quieting all the distracting voices in my head, I am able to confidently claim that above all else I am grateful. Life has been full: full of lessons and full of surprises. I am not in my best head-space right now. But I am not going to beat myself up about it because this is not the conclusion. That leads me to the whole point of this blog-post. A very valuable lesson I have learnt is to not make conclusions because nothing is final. I have always had this tendency to make conclusions, wrap up, and move on. I make conclusions because it helps me transition from one part of my life to the next. It seems pretty neat, and it satisfies the desire in me for symmetry. This has also been a source of conflict within me when I have not been able to draw conclusions, or consistent ones at least. I have been making conclusions for as long as I can remember. Certain friendships have ended, and certain others continue because of that. I've rid myself of toxic people as I drew those conclusions that helped me do it. I have gotten over heart-breaks because of conclusions. Still, questions remain. That perfect symmetry is unattainable. But I am learning that, perhaps, that is not necessarily a bad thing. "So what? It is not the conclusion." Those are the words of a friend that sum up quite 'symmetrically' what I am trying to relate here. When I heard those words, something broke somewhere in an intangible realm. A paradigm shift occurred. I saw for the first time that I could quit following the old framework I had gotten so accustomed to. And with it came a sense of peace. Not because things made sense, but because I could relax. It came as a relief that I didn't have to conclude to move on. I try to remember this even for smaller daily affairs of life these days. For a person who lives mostly in her head, this comes across as something quite significant.
It is not the conclusion. This simple truth also gives hope, doesn't it? Not because you will certainly get the conclusion you want later on; but because even if you don't get it, it is not the conclusion. Not yet. Are you getting my drift?
I am turning thirty. And that is not a conclusion. Far from it. Cheers to life!