Taking stock

There is nobody in the world who has not been impacted by the pandemic. Some have certainly been affected worse than others. And a few others have actually thrived amidst the chaos. Their businesses grew, they found innovative ways to adjust and made the market conditions work for them, and so forth and so on. If you're one of them, kudos to you but, unfortunately, I am not one of you. I am not here to complain, though, nor offer additional facts regarding these obvious observations that many others before me have made already about just how bad the pandemic has been for us. I only write now to take stock of all that ensued in 2020 that has literally changed my life so that, from this point on, I know how to and I know that I can finally move on and move forward. I choose to publish these reflections on a public platform simply because I want my voice heard, I think. And because I am ready to speak. Why does my voice matter though, one could ask. If I may be so bold, unlike many others out there I believe I offer something sane and something that is undergirded with hope. You'd have to take my word for it but I am making an accurate remark when I say that my life is not the same and that I've had to let go of everything familiar and common, at least everything from the past six years or so. But I've never been better positioned, either, to actually pursue a life that I have only dreamed of until now. Or rather, I now have the opportunity to actually start dreaming again seriously. 

I "wrapped up" over five years of employment at a particular educational institution in December 2020. That's a better way of wording it than simply saying that I lost my job. Unlike so many others though, I did not lose it because of the pandemic. At least, not entirely because of the pandemic although I suspect it might have played an indirect role. The alarming reason why I am unable to continue in that workplace is because the country in which it is situated in has implemented a rather explicitly discriminatory regulation as a result of which Non-Native English Speakers can no longer get work permits. The fact that I had temporarily left the country to travel during the winter vacation, effectively getting locked out once travel restrictions were put in place, made things so much more complicated. So just like that my whole life changed, although I didn't realise it in the beginning. In truth, I am quite thankful that the new reality creeped up on me a little inch at a time instead of one massive punch in the stomach. Consistently receiving one bad news after another was an incredibly unpleasant experience but it had no potential to knock me out entirely. One perspective would be to say that everything familiar was being taken away from me slowly and cruelly without my full knowledge. Another would be to view it as the kindness and wisdom of a sovereign "higher power" who allowed for sufficient time to help me accept and adjust to inevitable changes. I choose the latter and I would also go above and beyond to say that the discipline I was inadvertently practising by having to let go of one familiar aspect of my life after another actually strengthened and fortified me as a person. 

All of this optimism would fall flat on its face, though, if it didn't hinge on the ultimate goodness of this "higher power" I speak of. And so it follows that the perspective I have chosen comes from a deep place of conviction that there is a sovereign God who is also good and who actively participates in each of our lives. I can hear the cynic's response to my convictions and I know that there are many compelling reasons to support doubt and unbelief. The world has no lack of evidence in that regard, especially judging by the deeply flawed systems we are entrenched in today. However, this would be an inappropriate place for me to start a philosophical or theological discussion. I am all game for a chat about this in person, even a prolonged one if that ended up being the case. I believe that is the most appropriate format to communicate in this matter. Also, I wouldn't like to be lorded over on the internet. It is more likely that one is more civil in a face to face conversation, don't you think? But let me get off this rabbit trail immediately. My convictions are what they are and I share my experiences as they are.

Today I find myself still in the waiting period before I can launch out to the new life, new job, and new relationships that I anticipate because there really is no way but up from here. These past months have been a time of giving up the comfort of the familiar, casting down old mindsets, reevaluating relationships and all the choices that made my life what it was until 2020 changed everything. Don't be offended but I am actually thankful for 2020. It shook the world and exposed the hypocrisy and lies deep seated in our systems. In the same vein it also shook my little world and exposed the hypocrisy and lies that I had been partnering with, some inadvertently and some out of a heart of denial. I am thankful for having my eyes opened to see, for the first time, what it means to really believe in and truthfully live out what I had been claiming to believe in all those years. By that I mean values and beliefs rooted in my Christian faith and it is another rabbit trail I am not about to enter. 2020 exposed the very few real friendships and relationships that I could actually rely on. 2020 helped me acknowledge the lack of true friends in my life who would sincerely root for me instead of taking offence at me for not making them feel important enough, or true friends who would not feel jealous or insecure about my accomplishments, or true friends who would not only extend help in word but also in deed. I am seriously done with putting up with mediocre meanings of friendship and I will no longer be apologetic about expecting quality friendships because, in all sincerity, I have a quality friendship to offer back in return. I know I do; I have always been passionate about keeping relationships real and a big part of that is keeping communication real. It takes courage and authenticity but so many would rather live in fear and pretense. 2020 redirected and reordered my life in a significant way that was utterly unexpected. 

But I am glad it did, because now I am reminded that there is a kind of life that is compromised. There is a kind of life that is comfortable but fraught with meaninglessness. There is a kind of life that is limiting. If that's the kind of life that God in his kindness has taken away from me, then I am thankful. And I am hopeful because there is finally space in my person to actually embrace and begin to walk out a purpose driven life that God dreamed for me when he created me. I am going to begin dreaming with him and working towards a place, a job, a marriage, true friendships, and an authentic community that is just right for me to thrive in and to grow with. The practical implications and challenges that I will need to put up with, the hard work that this calls for, and the patience that I will need to exercise are very real to me. I know that my feet will tread places I never imagined it would. There are so many "ungivens". But I am finally going to practise in a real sense what I have hitherto mostly only talked about: trust the one who is sovereign and good. And also trust myself because I am capable. So today and in the coming days this is what I am going to keep reminding myself to set my eyes on: an abundant life in spite of all the circumstances that could go wrong.