I have been away from blogging for so long now. Haven't had the opportunity to sit down and write peacefully. So this is an attempt to do that. To write about my reflections from the past few months if that's even justifiably possible.
I guess I could say that things have changed quite a lot around. Back then it felt like it would never. I can gratefully say that I've moved on from certain things - disappointments, hurts. Life probably develops in you a sense of humour. And sometimes it is better to just live life than try to understand it. Come on, who are we kidding? I am perhaps beginning to understand myself better though. And I guess that is something.
I've been through a kind of emptiness. Surprisingly though I felt some kind of peace there. There was nothing to condemn me, there were no self-made expectations to meet, there was no agenda. There was just me. And that wasn't really a big deal. It was okay. I could be like that, and it was okay. There were no voices in my head to tell me what I'm supposed to do, to urge me to do the 'right thing', to live according to the rules made by others. I mean, is there really something called the 'right thing'? Who can really tell if all the wisdom of this world is even credible? What if all this wisdom turns out to be foolishness? Who can really tell?
I distanced myself from the usual, and realized that the usual is perhaps a facade, a mask custom made for me by the world. By this I mean that I wasn't my 'usual' self and I realized I'm perhaps not the 'usual' I've been made to believe to be. I am perhaps what I think I can't be. Perhaps I can be anything I want to be. Even amidst all that 'emptiness' I felt like something, someone was embracing me the whole time. Accepting me, telling me it's okay. Perhaps that voice, that presence was the source of the peace I felt. Contradictory, is it not? Something, someone that is capable of being 'present' in emptiness. And then came the conviction I am not what the world says I am. Things are really not the way the world says it is. Have we got it so wrong? But how do we know where exactly have we gone wrong? Even if we did are we ready to listen? Perhaps what I had been hearing was God's voice, ('God' just because of lack of another term. If you don't like that word you can replace it with anything else that you relate better to.) Perhaps the embrace I felt was God's embrace.
So I guess what I'm saying is I believe there has to be a God, assuming I am sane. Either there is a God or I am delusional. And perhaps this God is indeed good and is loving like I was taught in Sunday School. What kind of a God would be so interested in a 'nobody's' life? This brings me to the part where I talk about the time when I became quite disillusioned by the idea of God, with Jesus. What can I say. This was against everything I was raised as and had been living with. Perhaps I should rather say I was disillusioned with the Church and the people that were supposed to be representing Christ, the 'Christians' including myself. Perhaps my disillusionment had nothing to do with God, it had nothing to do with Jesus. It had everything to do with me. It had everything to do with how I understood things, or rather misunderstood them. It had everything to do with false ideas and notions about God, about Jesus, about people and about me. Perhaps I had misunderstood Jesus so much like so many people around. Perhaps that's why things are the way they are. I guess then I better start knowing Him all over again. This time hopefully the real Him. Just focusing on His voice, like in that 'emptiness' where it was just the Voice and I, the Presence and I.
Aren't there always things to learn? More so, aren't there always things to unlearn so that we could have a clearer understanding? Probably somewhere at the back of my head I'm thinking right now "this is it". But the truth is it is never 'it'. I guess that's a part of life. Or perhaps that is life itself. I end with what I've already said before: Sometimes it is better to just live life than try to understand it. And perhaps as we live life we arrive at a better understanding of it. And perhaps this will continue for as long as... who knows.