An answer to a friend

You asked me if I still love him. I couldn't answer you then. I guess I had to gather my thoughts together and that took me a while. The fact is he doesn't realize, nor did I until now, how much even in that short time together he has touched my heart like no one has ever before. How he has impacted me. Who would have thought this would happen to me, least of all I. And he didn't even have to try too hard. Just being who he is was enough, and the damage was done. He doesn't realize that in those few moments we spent together, in that one evening he managed to break through all walls I'd built around my heart. He broke all doubts built over the years, confirmed by unfortunate some, and made me feel what I thought I could never feel, what I thought didn't exist at all.  I don't know why my heart responded to him so easily, I don't know how. I thought I was careful and guarded, especially after the ordeal I'd just walked away from. But I guess not careful enough. What was it about him that made me welcome him in so easily? I feel stupid and naive when I think about it. I thought I was wiser. I wish I was wiser. I didn't know it was that easy to win my heart. I don't like it. 

It wouldn't be a lie if I told you he made me aware of a new place in my heart, one I thought I didn't have. It was like he possessed the key to the secret door I didn't know existed. Cheesy lines I know, the kind you'd read in fairy tales and hear in movies. But it's really me telling you of something that actually is in all honesty. And I don't want to think about it too much. I'd rather give you this raw truth, undiluted by reason.

But then he changed. He suddenly grew distant. Even when he was near he was a million miles away. Like he feared something. And that broke my heart. I didn't understand why. I still don't. I don't know what changed, but something did. And you know what followed thereafter. The drama you were so willingly a part of for my sake.

A confession of the truth, the appreciation; and even after all the good words exchanged, even after all the good words he's spoken to me, even after all the good words I've spoken to him in return, meaning every word, I don't know why I still feel the way I do. Like I was used, like I was cheated into believing something that never was intended. In this I haven't been completely honest with him. How did this happen? It's like he opened the door but then chose to not enter it. Why? This violates me. But I don't want to feel that way because I want to leave all this on a pleasant note. Leave it where it was best. But it's too late now. Because letting go is exactly what I haven't been able to do. I've held on, and so I've suffered. And I'm way past the good parts. I've also come to a realization that I need to have forgiveness in my heart towards him because of this. I need to set him free. And I guess I can forgive him. He never meant harm anyway. He was just being human.

I don't know what was on his mind, what was in his heart throughout what has happened. Whatever he has said, even in spite of that I don't know anymore. I don't know why he did the things he did, and I don't know why he didn't do the things he didn't. I don't know what's in his heart right now. But I probably know what is not, and that would be I. And I don't know why God allowed this in my life. I don't know what of all those prayers. Or maybe something's seriously wrong with my head. Probably it's simply that. What else is left for me to do now but hope in God. I have nothing else.

So coming back to your question. I guess it's safe to say that I still love him, to use your words. Yes, I hardly know him but you and I have both agreed in the past that that's not a pre-requisite to loving haven't we? Love just happens, and when we really come to think of it we don't need a reason to love someone. We may really know a person but when it comes to love it's really something else isn't it?

Maybe what has happened to me, what has happened in me is actually how love is supposed to be. It's just unfortunate that it's only me that realizes that and embraces it. Reason can be such a killer. It's unfortunate.

It's stupid and crazy how I still think of him while he lives oblivious of me.

(Picture Courtesy: Google Images)


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