I don't know how to begin but honestly I don't care however this sounds. I just need to write. It's a kind of release for me. It is when I am writing that I can really think, like seriously think and reflect. Like right now I feel so full of crap and yet so empty at the same time. One could wonder why get so explicitly personal on the world wide web? Well, I guess I don't care. Whoever is reading this is probably as full of crap as I am. Sorry I don't mean to be rude, just expressing myself. 'Cause if I really think about it, it's true. We're not as normal as we look, if you know what I mean. We all have messed up feelings and stories to tell. Let's just be true to that.
This evening I took a little walk. Well, actually I went out to a local store to get something for the house. But bottom line I got out and had some alone time. It is hard to have an alone time when you don't have a room of your own in the house. Having said that I also know how to be alone in a crowd, if you know what I mean. It can be a special feeling sometimes. But some other times I just have to get away from people, especially familiar people so that I can really relax and just be.
Anyway, back to the little evening walk I took. What I realized in that short time of running an errand was how seriously I wanted to get out and go somewhere, alone. Yes not with friends or family but alone. I just need to totally embrace my 'alone-ness' if you know what I mean (I say that a lot) and taking a trip somewhere alone is probably just the thing I need to do. Maybe I am a wandering spirit. Now don't get a picture of some female ghost in white with long hair wandering deserted streets with a candle in hand (talk about Bollywood influence). That's not what I mean. Actually I'm not sure what I mean, but female ghost in white is definitely not it. You see, most of the times I don't even know what I'm talking about. Only, I realize it way after I've said it. And by way after I mean even years. Aren't we all like that sometimes? So sure of ourselves and we speak as if we know everything, only until proven otherwise. And yes that definitely happens, when our words cause us to fall flat on our faces. But I think it's a good fall, as long as we get back up. And if we're able to see that then we're blessed.
Maybe I seem like someone with so much idle time in her hand and a luxury to ramble away to a computer screen. Actually I am just wasting time. I have a lot on my plate, so much to read. I should be studying right now. But I just can't get around it for the moment. I guess you understand.
You see something has happened to me. It happened a while ago. The problem is it's still happening. Doing the 'right' thing seems like going against the tide, it's like swimming upstream and I'd rather just float. For now anyway. The thing is someone opened a space in my heart and he has not been able to fill it. Or perhaps I should say won't fill it. Darn it. What tragedy. But life goes on doesn't it.
I will make a request here dear God. For now let me just float. I will come around one day. You'll make sure of that. You're just too cool. And so patient. So thank you.
Perhaps this is a blessing in disguise.