Going back: A Pep-Talk
I am very nervous about going back. Yes, that's correct. I am almost dreading it. Funny how addictive comfort zones are. Life in Delhi is one for me. It is all I have known for a major chunk of my life. So I guess it shouldn't be too surprising that my first instinct is to cling to it. But I should know better. Comfort zones have not gotten anyone too far. It does give a sense of security because of the familiarity and the absence of any real risks. But, reiterating, it hasn't gotten anyone too far from where they started. Besides, I do actually adore my students at the school. So it shouldn't be too hard a task to ignore the demented adults and focus my attention on the kids who give me a lot of joy often. And they like me, and are so good to me. What more could I ask for?
I suppose another explanation for the 'almost-dread' I am feeling about going back is the fact that I hate any moment of tangible change, of whatever kind that may be. Being in a state that borders denial is the best way I handle it. But I am also someone who is able to get comfortable anywhere quite effortlessly, i.e. once I am there. The fact that I was completely alright moving away from family and the big city for the first time in my life, and hardly facing a day of homesickness reflects this. So I am pretty sure once I am in Ladakh physically again I will breeze through the days like it was a completely normal thing to do. It is only that I hate the having-to-pack-and-take-the-flight-and-resettle part. After that it will all feel like it had just been yesterday and I haven't known anything else, if you know what I mean. I could almost bet on it, but I don't want to seem too over-confident. Words have a way of coming back and biting you. I am also not very excited about the smallness of the place and minds I am going back to. It is so different from what I have known. And although I have been true to myself in the past months I was there and have no plans to compromise on who I am in the near future either, I cannot be completely myself the way I fully am. So that is something I have to sacrifice for now. Perhaps I will get to learn other stuff about myself that I have not been able to. One thing I know: context is powerful. It changes things. And when I really think about it I do want a different context, and so I do want to go back because that is where I have it. What is the fun in life if we don't challenge ourselves once in a while?
The last time I made my official move I had none of this 'almost-dread' I am feeling this time. I guess it was because of my utter thirst to do something new with my life which made me not think about what I was giving up so much, because there was so much more to get! This time going back after vacationing in my comfort zone definitely makes me nervous because I have seen a glimpse of that 'adventure' I was running towards, and to tell the truth, that 'adventure' includes a lot of plain days as well. But I suppose those plain days add up to something which is so much more. What I will receive from the experience as a whole, I am confident, will be absolutely worth all the plain days I could have. And of course, there are those interesting and delightful days as well. It looks like a win-win situation from where I am looking right now. So, yes, I have had to give myself a little pep talk this time before I go back but I will look at that as a preparation for what is ahead. And what is ahead is definitely bigger than anything I have ever done in my life, truth being, I haven't actually done anything except for this. So that alone should make it all worth it.
Here's to new challenges and a whole new growth!