Feels like pause

I think I can sum up this phase as the "I don't give a shit" phase. I might be over-reacting to events of my recent past but it's starting to be more than just about that one lost opportunity. This is becoming about my whole life. This is becoming about the whole me, if you know what I mean. I'm tired and generally discouraged. And it is no longer just about that one job I almost landed which I believed would liberate me in more ways than one. But I've actually let go much easily than I thought. Now I question all my past decisions. I question myself and the way I've been. I question my motives behind everything I've done. I question everything about me and the life I've led. They all seem meaningless right now, and it feels like I've been deluded in having believed they meant something. I question my life and in a weird way that makes me not care. What's the point of it, anyway? I'd been trying so hard to believe something about myself but I'm not trying any more. People may say this and that, but I believe nothing about me. I am disillusioned and that makes me feel free in a sad way. I'm not trying to please my parents or make them think better of me than they do. I'm not trying to please myself. I don't fear what becomes of my life right now because I just can't give a shit. I am not holding on to anything. I can't think of the future, nor am I dwelling in the past. I am only in the present and in this present I just don't care. And even if I might care somewhere, I don't care that I might care. I thought it better to not think for a while and that is just what I am doing.

Care can be such a weight on the shoulders. The expectations family and friends have from you, the burden to please and to prove yourself, the desire to not care and still not help but care because "they" just won't allow you to not care, the burden of not being able to be you because "they" know better, the weight of having been so misunderstood that you wonder how things got so wrong, your own biases that wrecks you low. All these are very real to me but like I said, right now I just don't care. And I don't want to. I don't have the strength to prove myself. And I wish time would freeze because I don't want to get older like this. I feel like I've been tested through the fire and I've been completely burned down to ashes. There is nothing left. Nothing means. I am not trying to do anything with my life. I am only doing a lot of things without meaning them, and that could be another stupid thing I do with my life. But I want to just let go. It's like feeling utter hopelessness and yet hope seems to be peeking from somewhere at the same time. Maybe it is just wishful thinking. But never-mind, because right now I am not giving a shit. 


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