In the middle
I'm literally forcing myself to write this post because I haven't written in a while. I don't know why's that. Maybe it is because I've just been too caught up with watching the Supernatural series, followed by Glee Season 3 which I finished today. Supernatural Season 8 premiers on October 10th and the dates for Glee Season 4 are uncertain. I think my life will change heaps by October, or rather I'm hoping it would. My family thinks something's wrong with me. The truth is I feel like they've always thought so, but they always make it sound like it is something new. I'm actually too used to it. And it's not like I haven't given them reasons to think the way they do about me. But I don't want to meddle with it. This thing, whatever it is, has become bigger than me and I don't think I am capable of changing it. I'm sure you all know the feeling "it is too late". I sort of have that feeling about this one. Or maybe I'm simply not interested in changing anything about it because I don't want to get my hands dirty, if you know what I mean. And the truth is, actually all this is me.
Anyway, I turn 25 in a few days. The fact that I don't want the day to arrive is another matter. I don't want to get older like this. I think I've expressed these sentiments before. And 25 is not just another year if you get what I mean. But I'm still as confused as ever. I don't know what to do with my life. I think it would have been okay if I was 18 or something but that is not how things are. I've planned and planned the past few years with each one failing basically because I don't want it enough. It really sucks to not know what one wants, especially in terms of big life things. And the things I've been crazy enough to pursue like nothing else mattered have failed so far, and I think right now I just don't have the energy. The first one was a guy I was bonkers enough to take embarrassing risks for, the "I never thought I'd ever do that" kind of risks. I wouldn't be surprised if he is well on his way to getting hitched to his present girlfriend. The second one was my very recent surprisingly strange career choice of becoming a Flight Attendant mainly so I could travel the world. It is in no way a strange career choice in general, but if you knew me you'd know why it was a strange one for me. Anyway, this one hasn't worked out so far either. And I'm not sure if I will continue to pursue it. As far as I can tell I've been exploring all kinds of options in my head and a little in action but I don't know what I want enough to pursue. What I do know is I still want to travel very very much. I want to get as far away from this present life as possible. But maybe wishes don't come true. At least that's how it feels like right now.
I'm realizing that lately my posts have mainly been sob stories. And this is just another one of them. Maybe that's why I've been avoiding writing, and maybe it is best to avoid it for a while because if I do write it will most likely than not end up being another sob story. I'm not in my best shape these days but I don't want to keep complaining. And I guess I'll just take it slow from here. But I promise I will get better.