These things I'll never say

Last night I realized something too late. All this while I've been beating myself over why you never did anything at all. But perhaps I never gave you anything much to work with. In my arrogance I thought I’d done everything I could in my power and so I expected you to do something in return. I had done my part and it was now your turn, I thought. I should have fought harder. But I became too obsessed with not appearing obsessed to you and so my most diplomatic self took control. I think I confused you, didn't I? I am sorry. I am sorry that I got vague. I made myself believe that everything I confessed was clear to you, but the truth is I speak too much in between the lines and expect people to automatically understand. In all my effort to be honest with you about my feelings I became dishonest because I was too busy being diplomatic. I am sorry. I never asked for what I wanted but expected you to give it to me anyway, and got hurt and mad because you didn't. That was unfair to you, and I am truly sorry. Another unfair thing would be that I actually send you this letter, which is why I won’t. It would be selfish of me to do so in spite of knowing you have moved on and have made a different life for yourself. I cannot disturb your peace and what is now your reality, even though I am not in it... rather especially because I am not in it. But you know I need an outlet, which is why I need to write this anyway.

The truth is I miss you. It’s been over a year now but I guess I am crazy enough to still think about you even if what we had was too hard to define and too short-lived. You probably see it as a joke now. And maybe this is madness, but this is also the truth. And I guess this is me dealing with my reality. When I find better ways to deal with it, I will try those too. It is funny how I have miserably failed my ideal of risk-taking. How often have I harped about how we should take risks for what is closest to our hearts, for the ones we love, how that is something I want to do. But I didn't. Instead I drew a line beyond which I was uncomfortable. I didn't take the risk. I reasoned it was enough. But I guess it is never enough when it involves the people we love. I should have known this then. What if I had told you what was in my heart just the way I felt it, without trying to make it sound logical? What if I had spelled it out to you without fear of the embarrassment it could cause me? What if I had not withdrawn and fought harder? What if? I had told you I never wanted to use these two words together, what if. They are the most depressing words ever. But I am using them now. And I am feeling all the feelings associated with them. And it simply sucks.

Who knew I would ever be in this situation? Who knew I would still be thinking about you? Who knew I would be missing what we had this terribly, even though by sheer reason it could be just written off as something silly and stupid? I still remember how I felt when I was with you; I remember how you made me feel. I never felt that way ever before, and I didn’t think it was even possible to have those feelings until then; nor have I felt it again. I think my heart chose you right then itself, even though I hardly knew you. Maybe I should rather say even though I hardly knew things about you. Because believe it or not I felt like I knew you somehow. I still don’t know so many things about you even now, but I think that is not the most important thing. I don’t want to sound too corny any further. I was just trying to avoid my previous error of self imposed artificial diplomacy by stating things simply the way I felt them. And that is how it was. That is how it is.

I dont know if our paths will ever cross again but I am always secretly hoping they will, and I think I have the liberty to have that at least. And God willing, I will see you again. Until then, be well my dear.

Always
......

(p.s.: Quite honestly I'm probably also hoping in some corner of my heart that you will stumble upon this somehow someway, but I guess such things only happen in movies.)