Something is changing. I can definitely sense it. And it's a change I've been praying for. I sense the change in my dreams especially, and the ironic thing is it is these dreams that's making the change so real for me. I needed this change but something in me is trying to claw its way into escape. It's like I want this change and yet I don't want it. I guess you understand the war waging within me.

I realize I had become too attached. Not that this is a sudden revelation but now I'm actually seeing how attached I had become. Because now I'm realizing so starkly how dependent I had become on that thing in my life, and how difficult it is to actually let go of that tiny fraction left of it which I'm still holding on to. And I seem to be holding on to it quite desperately. I think I had become so comfortable in the state I was in and I'm kind of still in, although it  is nothing near to perfect and although it has basically been ruining me emotionally and mentally. Call it masochism? I knew I needed change. I know things must change. But it's funny how conflicting our emotions and will can be. Maybe that's the part that's making me struggle the most. I know I need something but I still feel something else.

Perhaps the key issue here is that I fear. I fear the unfamiliar. I fear giving up the hope that brought me here in the first place. I'm being reminded of what a friend of mine usually quotes "Horealized. But I'm not the one who guarantees I get what I hope I get. And it is here that I am reminded of the cpe breeds despair", and I'm unable to disagree. For it is only when we hope that we fear not having our hopes hoice I have to put my trust in something much bigger than myself, in fact the one thing that determines everything else. I need to learn to let go, completely. This would be how I affirm the faith I profess in Jesus. A mere lip service won't do. This is where I am tested of what I say I believe. And although I may feel conflicting emotions, and although I may have conflicting opinions I will choose to not consider these. I will choose to not understand. I will choose to trust that which makes sense when everything else doesn't.

And although I fear I will step out and onto the unfamiliar because that is what faith is all about. And know that someone holds me together although I may not 'feel' so. I am so convinced of this.

(Picture Courtesy: Google Images)


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