Dirty Laundry

Have you ever felt like you were going crazy? Like you were losing your mind and had to stop yourself from thinking because if you did continue to think you'd be thinking all kinds of psycho thoughts? And then you get so suffocated you want to just scream all the frustration out, but in case you do you start feeling bad because the people in the receiving end have to witness that and then you get sick to the stomach and hate everything around you including yourself for doing what you did. And then you think it'd be best if you could just run somewhere far away but then you realize that there is no way in the world that that would be possible because you can't freaking support yourself, and in a city like Delhi you never know what kind of danger awaits a girl out there on her own. Besides, you'd rather not act on impulse although everything inside you is convinced that letting go is just what you must do. And then when you do regain sanity, well then you regain sanity. And you think perhaps there are other ways of letting go, and I hate to say 'safer' ways. Because 'letting go' and 'safe' don't exactly seem to complement each other. Maybe the word I'm looking for here is 'reasonable' or perhaps 'sensible'. Anyway, so what happens in effect of your act of regaining sanity is that that moment when everything seemed possible, no matter how crazy the idea of it, is lost. That undeniable conviction is gone, just like that. Story of my life.

Of course I don't go crazy like that for no reason. I'd be a real psycho in that case. Basically I go crazy when the people closest to me totally misunderstand me and just can't seem to see my point or even try to see my point. I go crazy, I guess, basically because they matter and their opinions matter. And when I fail so miserably at expressing myself it makes me so mad. All this blogging and comparatively successful attempts at expression with the world wide web - virtual people that don't really matter - start seeming like crap, like all of this is bullshit because basically I'm being a hypocrite. What does it matter if I communicate so well with people 'outside' but fail so miserably with my family? And somehow I can't help it. Familial matters are so tricky. It so happens that somehow it is possible that they know you yet they don't know you at all. And in a family not exactly with a tradition of healthy communication it just gets a little more trickier. Good friendships in these cases make such a good rescue. But family remains to be family. There's no getting away from that. Actually I feel there shouldn't be any getting away even if it may be possible. That would be sheer cowardice.

So, when you seem to be doing so poorly with family you kind of get into a disillusionment. You feel so hypocritical about being different inside family and so different outside and yet you're still the same person outside inside, if you know what I mean. The problem is that you just can't seem to figure out how to harmonize them together, and you wonder if that is even possible. And the familial complications don't exactly do you any good. I talked about relationships being complicated in my previous post. Looks like familial relationships have the potential to be the most complicated ones. Comes as no surprise considering how much of each other's crap families have to handle. Something to do something about. Children may grow up and make new families but there's simply no escape from 'family' you know.


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