New year musings

One of the greatest frustrations I face is not knowing what to do with my life. And that is probably because I don't know what I want. And this is perhaps the reason I change my mind too often. It is so easy to 'adopt' an idea and even easier to abandon it, if you know what I mean. This is precisely the moment when I say "It sucks being me". Not that I want to dwell in self-pity. I generally think that not knowing what one wants is quite a pitiful state. And I happen to be in this pitiful state. I'm not saying that it is pitiful because I am in it, or that it sucks being me only. There's a difference, you know. And such a state is pitiful in my eyes basically because in it it feels like one is not living, as in really alive and kicking. It is pitiful because in it one does not seem to have any purpose in life. And that is like death. What's the point of living if there is nothing I am (you are) living for? It is pitiful because in it it feels like one does not belong. In a world where people are pursuing their dream careers, climbing the corporate ladder or whatever, and some brave ones are defying social norms going for what they believe in in their hearts, I feel like quite a loser being so clueless. 

Now my 'Christian brethren', please don't get me wrong. I believe in Jesus and I believe that the purpose of my life is to honour and serve Him. And I want to do that. The big question is how. I know there are more ways than one, which is actually an understatement. God knows how many ways there are, His ways being awesome and unfathomable and all. Inspirational talks and sermons are all good but, let me be honest, all that it has done is give me that temporary overwhelming feeling of purpose which subsides sooner than later, which is ironic given its 'overwhelmingness'. What I need is a specific and clear direction. And I don't seem to be getting that part figured out. Actually it is not so much about figuring it out than just being true to the calling of my heart. The trouble perhaps could be that I have a passive heart, one that does not want anything or that all it wants is frivolous in nature. I believe you understand by now that I am talking about the big questions of life. Not about those pair of shoes I want so bad or that silly crush which will go away overnight. Such things won't exactly last me a lifetime, and what I am looking for is something that will. In other words, I want to want something meaningful and I pray tangible.

I remember a time when I so confidently knew, rather seemed to know what I wanted to do with my life. That was five years ago. I don't know what happened during those five years that have past. I am not that girl from five years ago. I have grown and learnt so much. I have been emptied and filled. The most significant thing I have been emptied of is perhaps a specific tangible purpose for life, an aim in life or you could call it a dream. And looks like that has not been filled back in yet. Perhaps I am not looking or asking in the right way. Or perhaps it is being deliberately veiled from me. Maybe God has a purpose behind this frustration lately in my life. I would hope so. Because that would be my one reconciliation with this pitiful state I seem to be in, as also my consolation.

I have nothing else to say. Here is me signing off with a prayer to God I wouldn't have to see too many more new years in this state that seems to have me as its favourite (Okay maybe this time it is self pity "/ ). Or, surprise me!

(Picture Courtesy: Google Images)


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