Caught in between
The difficult thing about life right now is the parental pressure to do what they think is best for me to do. I know they have the best of intentions, but I am interested to explore other options. However to be still exploring options when I am not as young as I used to be is not a very strong case against their mighty conviction that what they ask me to do is the best possible choice for my life. If there ever existed a pareto optimum outcome this would be it, they're convinced. I get where they're coming from. Partly all this is my fault because I don't know what to do with my life. I like too many things. Too many things interest me and I am too afraid to choose one. Commitment issues of another kind, this. But I do need some consistency in life, I realize. Another thing I realize is I wouldn't be as miserable as I am if I wasn't so conditioned by the western culture I witness in Hollywood movies and shows so much so that I expect my parents to stay out of my life as far as such choices are concerned. I have to keep reminding myself I live in the Indian society. Not that the problem goes away then but it becomes easier to breathe once I take that into account. I suppose because I realize that societal norms didn't happen over-night. I realize it is not in my power to change a system, not even in the small form it exists in my own personal life. I realize it is not my fault, or my parents. So I have to try and live around it with empathy. Empathy, not compromise. It is a liberating thought to have the freedom to choose, and more liberating is to have the freedom to make a mistake. Life gets suffocating without the freedom to make a mistake. And I want my parents to give me that, even if not their full support. But a mistake probably also is doing exactly what my parents tell me to do in as much as that departs from who I am. So is this the mistake I need to free myself to make, assuming it is indeed one? Hmm.. Words are so easy to manipulate. But when you're caught between being true to yourself and honoring your parents these kind of unhelpful contradictory thoughts start plaguing you. Don't blame me.