I recently started with another one of my random jobs. I don't know why I do such things when what I really need now is some consistency. This project ends in three months and I don't know what after that. The thought of having to finally give in to the pressure and "sit" for exams to "secure" a government job is quite depressing. One thing I never want to do in life is settle. And giving in feels like settling. Now don't go misunderstanding me here. Government jobs are great, for people who want them. And chances are I will probably never land this much sought after employment even if I did try. Who am I kidding? The deal here is only that I want to be true to myself. I want to be working somewhere I am able to express myself creatively. But the trouble is this somewhere is proving to be extremely elusive. I have been going with the flow hoping to run into my life's purpose. Not happening. I guess it is time to take things into control. Stop the flow. Just choose already and stop relying on a higher power to lead the way. Perhaps. Or maybe I just need to chill. Stop thinking for a moment. Not easy.

How did I even get here? What the hell went wrong? Unintended rhetoric of my life. I wasn't always like this you know, so irritatingly unsure. Making plans and doubting them, then disposing of of them. How frustrating this has become. To not belong anywhere, bouncing from one random job to the next. Unintended promiscuity of a kind. I have said this and that is my plan, but my choices so far are not leading me anywhere closer. Who is going to take me seriously this way? My prayers seem to fall on deaf ears. Maybe God is working on something for my life like everyone I have spoken with seem to suggest, but why isn't He telling me anything? Or maybe I am just too blind and deaf. Or maybe this business of "life's calling" is ridiculously over-rated. That would explain the trajectory my life has been on. I am perhaps trying to find something that does not even exist. Bleh. Time will tell. But meanwhile family is not helping. If only I could be just left alone. So not happening.


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