An ode to the dark side of life

Life gets hard sometimes. A single unfortunate event, no matter how trivial in the after-thought, can trigger a lonely path spiralling down to despair, and nothing makes sense. Life seems meaningless. There is nothing to look forward to. Rather, it is quite impossible to look forward at all. The present is so overbearing on my back, and I am under its clutches. I think hard, but I can't put my finger on a unique cause for dismay. There are too many things conspiring at the same time. 

My mind is intact, though, and it tells me all that I know. It tries to put sense into me. But my emotions are broken. A healthy mind and broken emotions don't mesh well, you know. There are too many contradictions building inside. I wish there was a way to quit this life like how you quit a job. There is no desire to end life in itself, don't get me wrong. I just wish to free myself of this old life, the old patterns. I wish to be known by another person for who I am, and not what they think I am. The problem is, when you have been friends with someone for too long, when you are family, they begin to think they know you enough and that is it. As if you are never going to change. They stop trying to get to know you. They've placed neat labels all over you, and all they can see now are the labels, not the person inside. 

I am not the centre of the universe. Heck I know that, all too well. I don't need the whole world to empathize. I don't need the attention of a crowd. A single person could be enough. Someone who will meet me halfway. When nothing in the world makes sense, then at least we can agree how relationally we've all been wired. One meaningful relationship can change everything. So I suppose what I am saying is, there might be many things wrong with me and my life, but one meaningful relationship someday could make it not matter. And when it does not matter, who really cares.. However, as it is with us humans, what we have we take for granted. And with one problem settled many others arise. Therefore, I couldn't really say. Besides, life is not linear, not really. We encounter the same monsters throughout. New ones may show up but it is the old that cling to you the strongest, and they are the most dampening to the soul. So maybe life is a vicious cycle. But I hope to God not. 


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