A confession

I have a confession to make. I feel that maybe I've described my friendships in an over-rated manner often. My friends cannot be everything I need them to be. Demanding so would simply be unfair. And making it appear so is also as unfair. That precisely for me says it all. As much as I'm grateful to my friends for being there during my times of need, I've also often been alone. Those were the times I've doubted my friendships, no surprise there. Maybe I am sounding like a pathetically needy person but all I'm trying to say is I won't give unearned credit to anyone, including my friends. Legalistic much? In other words it has been more my perception of the "gift of friendships" than the actual friendships in itself, if I am making any sense at all. For instance, I've often thanked my friends, even in public forums, for their friendships and sometimes consequently given them credit for things they have played no role in. Evil, would you say? Or perhaps harsh. Well, what I am trying to say here is that my friendships are not all that I have made them out to be. And what I've often made them out to be is some sort of a noble thing I share with someone. Who knows, maybe I've made others feel left out from "God's mighty provision of awesome noble friendships" because they cannot identify with me or the "fantastic friendships" that I have. Or perhaps they've mumbled under their breath, "How delusional". Anyway, the truth is my friends and I are just a bunch of imperfect people, often selfish and not noble. The fact is I don't have something so special that nobody else could have. I don't want people to misunderstand. 

To a good degree, the way things are for me today are a result of how I've responded to events in my life, and not necessarily the presence of a particular set of people I call friends. I wouldn't have made those friends if I hadn't reached out to them in the first place, if you get the point I'm trying to drive home. The other option would be to feel self-pity and play the victim for not having any friends. I mean, friends don't exactly drop from the sky. I recognize that I am where I am today essentially because of the grace I've been given from above and beyond. (Yes, I believe in God who also loves me). And anyway the thing is if I don't carry a healthy attitude no amount of friendship will help me. In the end I have to keep accounts for myself. No one else can do it for me. That is the truth. If anyone says else-wise, I don't believe you. I will say here, though, I am not being an ungrateful snob. I would still continue to thank my friends when that is called for. I am only trying to make accurate acknowledgements here, and I particularly don't want to over-acknowledge friendships. I don't know why the obsession but to me it feels like an unfair thing to do. Maybe because it is some kind of a lie? My friends cannot save me, nor can I save them. And I have no intention of making it appear like that is possible. Friendships are not some invisible unbreakable connections you make. Friendships end, or maybe we simply have to move on. And often we think we're alive because of our friends, when the fact is we're alive simply because we are.

I don't know what these thoughts are, or where they are coming from. I don't know if it makes any sense at all to anyone. Maybe I will change my mind. Maybe not. I only know it is not the first time I've thought them. And this is me finally expressing them.