On waiting

During times like this writing is my only escape. I've been doing nothing for many days now and that is taking a toll on me. Too much sleep makes Jane a dull girl, a very dull girl. A part of me wants to sit here and complain about things I wish to do but can't because of whatever reasons I can't. Nor am I motivated enough to think up unconventional ways of doing whatever it is I want to do. It is not so much a matter of achieving some goals than living out a process. And nothing seems to be happening in my life right now. I am waiting for something to happen. Not just something actually. I am waiting for a specific email which is going to determine the next few years of my life. What is taking so long? Waiting always makes me miserable, especially when I have to wait this long.

Is there a right way of waiting? Do we continue to live life normally and pretend there's nothing that we are waiting for until one day it conveniently happens? This would save us all the emotional turmoil that involves waiting. Or do we just wait it out like nothing else matters? This more aptly describes my present stance. But they're both such extremes. What is the right balance? The "middle path", should I say? I've never been a balanced person in this context. I tend to function at extremes and I guess that is precisely what causes most of my frustrations in life. I explode rather than flow. I definitely scare people but I also scare myself sometimes. Sounds tragic.

I'm close to obsessed with personality tests and quizzes. The reason is perhaps that I like to place myself somewhere definitive. I want to belong, if you know what I mean. But the problem I tend to find myself in even with these tests and quizzes is that I'm never completely here nor there. For instance, I recently took this test to determine whether I function with my right brain or left brain more dominantly. Every individual uses both sides of the brain but one side is generally more dominant, or so it seems. The individual using more of the right brain is supposed to be more creative and artistic, while the individual using more of the left brain is more logical and empirical. Anyway, what this test told me is that my hemispheric dominance is equally divided between my right and left brain. It also says that because it is equally divided I would tend to face learning problems. Meaning I don't have a consistent way of learning or processing information. I am never here nor there, if you get the drift. Quite ironic considering the fact I tend to work in extremes. Or maybe they're not really connected.

Anyway, back to the very important email. It is supposed to come from the HR office of Qatar Airways. I've been waiting for a month now, and still counting. What makes me so restless about this is the fact that it pretty much determines my life, in a way. This is mostly why I have chosen to remain idle. It's like the lull before the storm. Besides it is hard to get myself motivated about anything else. Perhaps I should choose to make this time about being together with my family, like a friend advised me. Friends I have seldom neglected according to my own capacity. I will always have friends around me anyway, new and old. So this should be about family. Who knows I might not have the luxury of staying together under the same roof with all of them ever again after this time. This is something I haven't got a grasp on yet. Well, time will show.


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