Grey matter

I am a dominantly black and white person, but I find a lot of times that the reality is people are all shades of grey. And that includes me. Sure there are traces of black and white here and there, but for the most part we are grey. For example when it is the question of a certain believe or faith we have, it all has to come down to either Black or White. There is simply no place for compromise! So does that mean grey stands for compromise? If so, it must simply mean we are all creatures of compromise. Never here nor there, just all over the place according to what benefits us most. You could say I'm drawing a hyperbole. But even then, doesn't sound like something to be proud of does it? Or maybe it is just my rigid mind that is failing to embrace such ideas as the "enlightened" ones see so clearly. "Everything goes". Does it really?

I don't know about you but I have met a lot of people in my lifetime who would like to think they're so "grey" and therefore so cool, if you know what I mean. They don't say it but it is written all over their faces. Such people play the alternative so hard that it begins to bug me because in my heart I feel it all to be fake. I see only a highly confused surface and nothing else, and the only way left to redeem it is to pretend it is all cool and ultimately actually come to believe so. It's like a bunch of people so disillusioned together about life that they decide to believe that this disillusionment is in fact some sort of a revelation, salvation rather! Hmm... Actually you know what, I take back what I just said. I change my mind. Because the thing is, perhaps these people I've referred to above don't even think. So if they don't think they cannot come to a place of confusion or disillusionment. It is people who think that get confused, right? Or perhaps they think, and think black and white but play grey because they consider it a cool statement. There are probably people who belong to the category I originally described though. That's why I left it there, the sentence I mean.

It is perhaps a good idea to clarify that there are two types of grey I'm talking about here. The first type referring to the complicated and often contradictory nature that we all have as people, and the second referring to something that sounds like "Look at me. I am the new spiritual. My boundaries are fluid. I doubt. Am I cool or am I cool?" So anyway I'm quite certain there are genuine "doubters" in this world, but I'm also quite certain there are people who pretend to doubt because it seems "cool" to doubt. And the funny thing is, perhaps if they stopped doing it blindly like following some fashion trend they might actually find that they do have some genuine questions about life. The problem is the questions asked under "influence" are mostly borrowed questions. Anyway, the best way I've been able to understand this "new movement" is that it simply is a believe in everything and yet nothing. Some who claim to be a part of this "movement" are fake and some are in it for real. I suppose one could broadly refer to this crowd as the ultimate "compromisers" (if grey indeed means compromise), but what do I know? I am just a rigid black and white person who can't even stay that way.

I find even God grey in some of those weirdly reflective days of mine; but I suppose that is because it is so hard to understand who He is. Taking on to understanding God, though, is an impossible task. How could the created possibly figure out the Creator? But of course that all follows only if and after one believes there is a God who created mankind etc.. etc. I am just assuming that for now. And anyway, it is easier for me to go about it that way because I believe it to be true. I guess one could write only what one truly believes in. But besides all that, I am also not interested in getting into some sort of a debate about whether God exists and all the million questions that would follow. I don't want to convince anyone. I'm sure you realize how hard a task that would be, and I am a practical person. Well, mostly. And I hardly have answers, anyway.

So, why am I writing all this? Honestly, I'm not sure anymore. It started with something and turned into something else. I guess I got caught in between "the pretenders" and the real grey deal that people can be. We are tricky creatures, aren't we humans? I am sure many of us, at some point or another, have wished for an ability to read people's minds or someone's in particular. I have so many times. Then I begin wondering if I'd be able to handle it if I could really read minds. God knows what all stuff might be in there. If we really thought about it, it is very hard to determine with certainty who genuinely cares and who doesn't. Actions often don't match words. And the same words often mean different things to different people. When I think of the world this way I am often overwhelmed by the chaos we live in. This chaos is around us and in us. How can one person possibly get to know another person for real if such is in fact the case? Trust becomes such a major deal. But trust has to be based on something, while the situation around doesn't look so encouraging.

Even if I brought Christ into the picture who can be the basis for everything else and therefore I could trust things to stand firm as long as they are secure in Him, how do I know the other person concerned is genuinely in it? I don't. I cannot force anyone, nor will Christ. I've often come to this place of trusting Christ, but not trusting people. God is good. People, not necessarily. Even if people are not out-rightly bad there is something called indifference. Why is it so hard to find a place of giving and receiving? It's often one or the other. But the truth is I have to deal with people, we all have to. I don't think there is a choice. But with so much of grey in people and relationships, it is simply hard to trust. Maybe I am just a little bit disillusioned, or embittered, or perhaps just bored. But I am on a journey. I've gotten many things wrong along the way and hopefully a few things right. I am still looking for something, I know I am. But I don't know what exactly. It all looks grey from here. I need to separate it out from the rest. I have to find that thing I think about when I lie awake at nights, that missing thing when I am happy and laughing. I don't know what it is. I guess I'll know once I have found it. And even when I do find it I'm guessing I'll have to keep finding it, if you know what I mean.

Please don't make anything of this post, or make whatever thing you like of it. I seem to have written it in a semi-conscious state. Okay, I should stop.


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