I will stop saying that I don't have any regrets. I do have some regrets in life. I have come to accept that it is humanly impossible to live with no regrets at all. And perhaps admitting this is a first step towards something.. liberating (should I say?). At least I hope it is.

Life, as much as I'd like it to happen my way, is not under my control entirely. Sure there are things over which I exercise some control but once in a while I feel a need arising to take some risks. I hate and love this part. It is just very complicated, I cannot explain. Next thing I realize I'm expecting some sort of a reward for the risks I've taken. After all not everyone has the courage to take them, right? So it makes complete sense to me to think a reward is well deserved. I'd like to believe the ideal world would function along the aforementioned dynamics. I don't know how that changes anything in terms of the "real world" but it is a comforting fact, to say the most. This is usually the point where I reason with myself that I've done the right thing but because I live in an imperfect world where "give" never matches "take" I don't get what my actions deserve, blah blah blah. Hence the conclusion: "I have no regrets". If you're questioning the wisdom behind this line of argument I just presented before you I should just let you know, no hard feelings. In fact right now I'm thinking "What a brat!" referring to myself, of course.

Anyway, I'm basically admitting I have regrets. I'm not going to try make it sound any more profound than that. Some major risks I've taken have not produced the outcomes I've desired. I've regretted those risks, and I've regretted the outcomes. And I've wondered "Why go through it at all?", because to tell you the truth it has simply been a big unnecessary headache. True the outcomes were beyond my control so maybe I should go a little easy on myself. But the thing is there is a time and place for everything, and right now it is a time for me to simply be true to how I'm feeling about all of this. It is a time for me to not try too hard to make something good out of it on my own strength. I've tried to do that a number of times in my immaturity. For now, I'll let me be me. And trust in this good God I keep referring to now and then.

That's all. Ciao!


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